time to go home

Finally I made a decision to end this traineeship a bit earlier than planned before and go home in the end of Jan.
There are many reasons, but the most important one I think is the tight connection between me and my families.
It's my first time to leave home for such a long time, although we sometimes talk through skype, I know they all hope I can go home.
My father always asks me "Aren't you coming home for the Chinese New Year?"
Indeed the Chinese New Years is time for families to get together, and in my past 24 years every year I spent it with my dear families, so maybe I shouldn't make it an exception this year.
I didn't get along with my mother very well in the past, but it's not until I left home that I realize she's the one who really supports me and always helps me to solve my problems, she just expresses her love in a different way.
I used to talk a lot with my younger sister, we shared a lot of secrets and I missed all those small talks with her.
My cousin writes me occasionally and once she asked me again when I'll go home and I said in May, then she asked me angrily "Why in May? You said in April before!"
The other small cousins couldn't write yet, but when talking with them on skype, they always ask "Are you coming back? When are you coming back?"
My grandfather was examined with cancer several months ago after I left home, and I felt bad not being able to be there.
Actually there were so many things that happened in the past few months at home that I sometimes felt so guilty for being happily away.
Some time ago I dreamed of my grandmother, in the dream she appeared in my apartment in Cluj and woke me up, and then she complained to me "Why didn't you come back to see me?"
A few days ago I found out that there wasn't any flight seat available in Feb., and I asked my families what to do.
To my surprise my dad said that he'll pay the money for me to upgrade the class so that I can go home for the Chinese New Year.
My dad has been a very caring and supportive father since I was a child, and I know he's recently anxious about the retirement after the Chinese New Year, worrying if he can get used to life after retiring, and I think I should keep him company at least in the first one or two months of this hard period.
Anyway because of all I mentioned above, I just decided to go home earlier.
Actually right now my feeling is so complicated.
A little bit excited because a new beginning is waiting for me.
A little bit happy since I can see my beloved families and friends at home soon.
But also a little bit sad (maybe actually a lot) when thinking about the fact that I don't know when I'll be able to come back to visit my dear Cluj people again.
Further more, it's going to be officially the end of my AIESEC and student life.
(Actually it should have been the end two years ago, but somehow I feel like an AIESECer and student again here in Cluj…)
I have a feeling that I'll have to say goodbye to the naive and sometimes childish myself.
Because I have to go back to reality to the adult world, and I'll have to act and behave like an adult.
Will I become one of those people who judge the value of other people according to their title on the business cards and the brand of the clothes or accessories they put on?
Will I become selfish and don't care about how others feel just in order to achieve my goal?
Will I close my heart again and hide my emotions to behave professional?
I don't know, but one thing I know for sure is that I'm going to miss the simple life in Cluj very much.
I won't say this traineeship is perfect, but there are just some moments that are so beautiful.
It's like too good a dream for me, and no matter how much I don't want to wake up, the moment eventually comes.
After decades when we all become old, will I still remember?
Will you still remember?

Chance

徐志摩－偶然(Chance)
我是天空裏的一片雲，I am a cloud in the sky,
偶爾投影在你的波心—— A chance shadow on the wave of your heart.
你不必訝異， Don't be surprised.
更無須歡喜—— or too elated.
在轉瞬間消滅了蹤影。In an instant I shall vanish without trace.

你我相逢在黑夜的海上，We meet on the sea of dark night,
你有你的，我有我的，方向；You on your way, I on mine
你記得也好， Remember if you will,
最好你忘掉， Or,better still, forget
在這交會時互放的光亮！ The light exchanged in this encounter.



This is my favorite poem by a famous Chinese poet Hsu Chih-mo.
Sometimes the friendship/relationship between two people is just like crossed lines, you met someone and you two became closer and closer, but eventually after the crossed point the distance between you just grew and nothing can remain the same forever.
It is sometimes sad but as we step into different stages of life, we just have to let go when time and space changes…
Cherish the moments you're living now and at least we'll still have unforgettable memories in the future.
C'est la vie.

my first African friend

Kinsley was the AIESEC trainee in Cluj and now is still in Bucharest after his traineeship, but we never met before.
And by the way he's from Nigeria.


I wanted to get in touch with him at first because of the trainee council position in NEXT.

Another trainee told me that I'd better not write to Kinsley because he doesn't like AIESEC due to some unpleasant past experience with AIESEC.
I appreciated for her suggestion but somehow still tried to write him in the hope of some positive changes.
I didn't get reply from him, but I still put him in the trainees' mail list so that he can know what we're doing.
Then miracle happened during this NPS—Kinsley appeared in the conference!
When we met in the conference he talked to me "How are you, Michelle?"
Originally I thought he was the international delegate and therefore asked him "How do you know my name?"
He answered something like "I know you very well." (Don't really remember.)
Then I asked his name and realized he's Kinsley.
"Oh my god! You're Kinsley!!" that was my only reaction.
But really, I was so glad to see him there in the AIESEC conference and I think it was the best thing happened in my past one month.
After the conference he called me tonight, added me to his yahoo messenger, and also got the contact info of Lulu (trainee from Mexico) and Katya (trainee from Ukraine) from me.
I'm really glad to feel that the trainees' network gradually starts to work.
Besides the surprise from Kinsley I also want to thank Katya for still coming to NPS even though we couldn't make it to let her be faci, and thank Lulu for coming just because she promised me.
Tonight Kinsley and I chatted on yahoo messenger, and I don't know why but I can easily tell him how I feel now maybe because he's also from a very different culture so I think he can understand how I feel.
I even tell him some of my secrets and he promised he won't say :p
He also showed me some of his paintings since he's a painter.
Seeing his paintings let me realized that it's not only me who's encountering the culture differences and I think it actually might be even more difficult for him.
Anyway I realize that I should be stronger no matter what happens since there're actually people who care about me and I shouldn't let these people worry about me.
Although I'm still not in such a good mood and I don't know how long it will take but I'll be fine.
Thank you, Kinsley, and all the people who care about me.