time to go home

Finally I made a decision to end this traineeship a bit earlier than planned before and go home in the end of Jan.
There are many reasons, but the most important one I think is the tight connection between me and my families.
It's my first time to leave home for such a long time, although we sometimes talk through skype, I know they all hope I can go home.
My father always asks me "Aren't you coming home for the Chinese New Year?"
Indeed the Chinese New Years is time for families to get together, and in my past 24 years every year I spent it with my dear families, so maybe I shouldn't make it an exception this year.
I didn't get along with my mother very well in the past, but it's not until I left home that I realize she's the one who really supports me and always helps me to solve my problems, she just expresses her love in a different way.
I used to talk a lot with my younger sister, we shared a lot of secrets and I missed all those small talks with her.
My cousin writes me occasionally and once she asked me again when I'll go home and I said in May, then she asked me angrily "Why in May? You said in April before!"
The other small cousins couldn't write yet, but when talking with them on skype, they always ask "Are you coming back? When are you coming back?"
My grandfather was examined with cancer several months ago after I left home, and I felt bad not being able to be there.
Actually there were so many things that happened in the past few months at home that I sometimes felt so guilty for being happily away.
Some time ago I dreamed of my grandmother, in the dream she appeared in my apartment in Cluj and woke me up, and then she complained to me "Why didn't you come back to see me?"
A few days ago I found out that there wasn't any flight seat available in Feb., and I asked my families what to do.
To my surprise my dad said that he'll pay the money for me to upgrade the class so that I can go home for the Chinese New Year.
My dad has been a very caring and supportive father since I was a child, and I know he's recently anxious about the retirement after the Chinese New Year, worrying if he can get used to life after retiring, and I think I should keep him company at least in the first one or two months of this hard period.
Anyway because of all I mentioned above, I just decided to go home earlier.
Actually right now my feeling is so complicated.
A little bit excited because a new beginning is waiting for me.
A little bit happy since I can see my beloved families and friends at home soon.
But also a little bit sad (maybe actually a lot) when thinking about the fact that I don't know when I'll be able to come back to visit my dear Cluj people again.
Further more, it's going to be officially the end of my AIESEC and student life.
(Actually it should have been the end two years ago, but somehow I feel like an AIESECer and student again here in Cluj…)
I have a feeling that I'll have to say goodbye to the naive and sometimes childish myself.
Because I have to go back to reality to the adult world, and I'll have to act and behave like an adult.
Will I become one of those people who judge the value of other people according to their title on the business cards and the brand of the clothes or accessories they put on?
Will I become selfish and don't care about how others feel just in order to achieve my goal?
Will I close my heart again and hide my emotions to behave professional?
I don't know, but one thing I know for sure is that I'm going to miss the simple life in Cluj very much.
I won't say this traineeship is perfect, but there are just some moments that are so beautiful.
It's like too good a dream for me, and no matter how much I don't want to wake up, the moment eventually comes.
After decades when we all become old, will I still remember?
Will you still remember?

Chance

徐志摩－偶然(Chance)
我是天空裏的一片雲，I am a cloud in the sky,
偶爾投影在你的波心—— A chance shadow on the wave of your heart.
你不必訝異， Don't be surprised.
更無須歡喜—— or too elated.
在轉瞬間消滅了蹤影。In an instant I shall vanish without trace.

你我相逢在黑夜的海上，We meet on the sea of dark night,
你有你的，我有我的，方向；You on your way, I on mine
你記得也好， Remember if you will,
最好你忘掉， Or,better still, forget
在這交會時互放的光亮！ The light exchanged in this encounter.



This is my favorite poem by a famous Chinese poet Hsu Chih-mo.
Sometimes the friendship/relationship between two people is just like crossed lines, you met someone and you two became closer and closer, but eventually after the crossed point the distance between you just grew and nothing can remain the same forever.
It is sometimes sad but as we step into different stages of life, we just have to let go when time and space changes…
Cherish the moments you're living now and at least we'll still have unforgettable memories in the future.
C'est la vie.

my first African friend

Kinsley was the AIESEC trainee in Cluj and now is still in Bucharest after his traineeship, but we never met before.
And by the way he's from Nigeria.


I wanted to get in touch with him at first because of the trainee council position in NEXT.

Another trainee told me that I'd better not write to Kinsley because he doesn't like AIESEC due to some unpleasant past experience with AIESEC.
I appreciated for her suggestion but somehow still tried to write him in the hope of some positive changes.
I didn't get reply from him, but I still put him in the trainees' mail list so that he can know what we're doing.
Then miracle happened during this NPS—Kinsley appeared in the conference!
When we met in the conference he talked to me "How are you, Michelle?"
Originally I thought he was the international delegate and therefore asked him "How do you know my name?"
He answered something like "I know you very well." (Don't really remember.)
Then I asked his name and realized he's Kinsley.
"Oh my god! You're Kinsley!!" that was my only reaction.
But really, I was so glad to see him there in the AIESEC conference and I think it was the best thing happened in my past one month.
After the conference he called me tonight, added me to his yahoo messenger, and also got the contact info of Lulu (trainee from Mexico) and Katya (trainee from Ukraine) from me.
I'm really glad to feel that the trainees' network gradually starts to work.
Besides the surprise from Kinsley I also want to thank Katya for still coming to NPS even though we couldn't make it to let her be faci, and thank Lulu for coming just because she promised me.
Tonight Kinsley and I chatted on yahoo messenger, and I don't know why but I can easily tell him how I feel now maybe because he's also from a very different culture so I think he can understand how I feel.
I even tell him some of my secrets and he promised he won't say :p
He also showed me some of his paintings since he's a painter.
Seeing his paintings let me realized that it's not only me who's encountering the culture differences and I think it actually might be even more difficult for him.
Anyway I realize that I should be stronger no matter what happens since there're actually people who care about me and I shouldn't let these people worry about me.
Although I'm still not in such a good mood and I don't know how long it will take but I'll be fine.
Thank you, Kinsley, and all the people who care about me.

Homesick

It's so strange.
A few days ago I was still thinking that it was hard for me not to fall in love with Romania; all of a sudden everything around me is just wrong.
I'm not saying that my culture is better or something like that, but they're just too different, and recently I just feel that I'll never really get used to the culture here.
I'm also very confused because there're so many things that I don't know how to judge or how to set the standards.
I don't know if I should trust when someone promises something, since most of the people here change their mind or postpone things quite often.
I don't know how to distinguish if a guy likes me or just treats me as a friend, since everyone here is so close with others.
I don't know if I should be on time, since it sometimes happens that when I'm on time on one appears and when I'm late people are waiting for me.
And I'm fed up with being special because I'm the very rare Asian girl here.
It sounds funny but I miss the feeling of being an ordinary person and no one will pay attention to you when you walk on the street.
Here forever I'm just a guest, people treat me nice and friendly because I'm foreigner but I can never overcome the culture and language barriers.
I want to think positively, but I just can't get these negative thoughts out of my mind.
Yesterday at the business support fair I just kind of exploded when a bunch of naughty kids kept asking me to write Chinese characters for them.
All their laughter and words about "China" made me feel like a special monkey from Asia in the zoo, and when I realized I already shouted rudely at them "I'm not writing anymore!"
I myself felt so surprised that I lost my calm and did that to them, so I just said "I'm very sorry, but I'm not writing anymore" although they might not even really understand what I was talking about.
After that, I knew it was super unprofessional, but I couldn't help crying for around half an hour at the stand.
Besides, it never rains but pours, tonight on my way home a guy rode a bicycle pass by me and touched my ass.
After two minutes, another guy, or the same guy, I couldn't really tell, walked by me and also touched my ass.
I didn't know what to do besides looking at him angrily and then walked faster away.
Anyway I guess God is fair since I was too happy in the past half year.
Sorry for being emotional in this post and I hope I'll get over this low-tide period very soon.

update

This month has been wonderful for me.
I met many new people: new AIESEC members, friends' friends, new interns in the company, new trainees, OCs and visitors of the job fair, strangers during my journey…
And they all have one thing in common: extremely nice and friendly.
It's just so hard for me not to fall in love with Romania.
I also had some new first-times experiences during this period: first time to see real snow in the city, first time to hitchhike with a coach (not car, but the carriage with a horse), first time to climb up the mountain with the height that I never think I'll be able to make it, first time to have the LC meeting with 100 people in the ballroom of a nice hotel, first time to wear cheongsam in a job fair to present Qual Design, first time to go for a beer or party eight times in a week, first time to involve in the OC team of AIESEC Cluj, first time to try graphic design…good or bad, I just felt so lucky to have the chance to experience these first-times.
I truly enjoy this kind of life in Romania, full of surprises and I never know what's waiting for me next.
Now I'm excited about the business support fair in a few days since it's a national fair and Qual Design is the only advertising agency which can participate.
I also can't wait for the coming National Preparation Seminar because it's the biggest national conference of AIESEC Romania and this time I have the chance to involve in the OC team and the special track for trainees.
Look back my traineeship so far, although sometimes I couldn't help but feel really frustrated about some culture differences and barriers and even until now I don't know if there'll be one day that I can overcome them, I just feel so luck to be here, to meet the people that change my life.
And even though sometimes I felt frustrated, it was still great since I wouldn't have the chance to experience all these if I didn't leave my comfort zone.
One of my important goals for my traineeship is to find out my personal vision and what I want to do in the future.
Right now I have to say I only know that I don't want to become a total workaholic and would like to spend time on the people important to me.
I don't have a clear vision yet and sometimes I feel even more confused.
Why?
Because after experiencing so different culture, what I believe before doesn't seem to be so true to my anymore.I guess it's a good thing for me, and hope that by the end of this traineeship I'll be able to discover my vision and future plans gradually and then have the courage to pursue what I really want.

love and relationship

"If you love someone, let it be and set him free, if he comes back to you, it's meant to be."

One of my good friends once described me: "You always know how to grab opportunities to get what you want, besides love," which is really true.
I'm just extremely pessimistic and insecure about love and relationship.
Ten years ago I still believed that true love can change everything, but now I've lost this kind of courage.
It's always like this; when I finally met the guy I like, he just doesn't love me back as much as I love him.
Therefore I always fail to maintain a long-term relationship and most of the times a loser.
The thought of "It must be because of the fact that I'm not good enough" always comes to my mind.
Although I so much want to be a wife and mother in the future, somehow I just have a feeling that I won't be able to make it.
I can't help but sometimes being afraid of being too close with the guy I like because I don't want to get hurt.This traineeship will be just perfect if I can also overcome this big problem of mine.

double standard

Why do most of us always have double standard?
When we do something that might hurt people who care for you, we tend to tell ourselves that it's not a big deal, without or refuse to notice that the harm might have been caused.
And when the people we care about do the same thing to us, it just hurts.

music: Astor Piazzolla's tango music

Talking about tango in my last post, following I'd like to introduce my favorite tango music composer, Astor Piazzolla.
He's the most renowned tango musician in the world, and therefore the one must be mentioned when talking about Argentina Tango music.
I personally like his music very much, and it can always soothe my soul.
Piazzolla has left huge music work and here you can listen to some of it (probably have to wait for a few seconds after clicking the link of the song):
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=44428887
You can also go to this website to know more about him and enjoy his music:
http://www.piazzolla.org/

movie: take the lead

This is a true story, and it's like the ballroom dancing version of the French movie "Les Choristes."
I wanted to watch this movie because the leading actor Antonio Banderas is really handsome, and also because I think tango is the sexiest dance in the world.
Like a girl said in the movie "It's like sex on hardwood. I would kill to dance like that."
Check out this clip from the movie below and then you'll understand what I mean.

Really seductive, isn't it?
Besides the hot tango, there're still some other interesting elements in this film.
For me the most creative one is that it successfully combines hip hop and ballroom dancing together in both music and dance.
I personally like both types of dance although they're totally different, but I never think to combine them together and therefore surprised to discover it's actually not that weird.
From its official website you can also create your own dance and mix music, which is really cool.
You can visit it http://www.taketheleadmovie.com/ to find out more interesting stuffs.
Enjoy the music and the dance.

all too soon

can't believe half of the traineeship passed already
can't imagine the day of leaving
don't know what to say
can only cherish the moments here more

Taiwan: Taipei 101 firework on 2006 New Year

(original source: http://www.dvworld.com.tw/)
This clip is the firework show on 2006 New Year of the currently tallest building in the world, Taipei 101.
It was shot and edited by some people who love digital photography and it's really marvelous.
Don't mind the Chinese characters and just enjoy it!

lyrics: have you ever really loved a woman

A song I personally like very much :)


To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly

And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman

To really love a woman
Let her hold you
Do you know how she needs to be touched ?
You gotta breath her
Really taste her
To you can feel her in your blood
Then when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman

You got to give her some faith
Hold her tight
A little tenderness
You gotta treat her right
She'll be there for you
Taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman

And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman.

A new beginning from this blog

To have my own blog is a big step for me, because of the fact that I don't like to let others know my true feelings and also don't like to show my weak side in front of people.
Or to say in a more precise way, I'm just afraid to let people know how I really feel.
I always tend to protect myself too well and care about how others think about me too much.
I don't know why, maybe because of my culture, or my parents' high expectations towards me, or just due to my own perfectionism occasionally.
Even though most of the people think I'm quite ok and I also try to pretend that I'm fine and satisfied with myself, deep in my heart I know I just couldn't really like myself and therefore most of the time feel so insecure.
It was also one of the important reasons why I insisted to take a traineeship to be away from the original environment for a while.
And now I start to have my own blog partly because of the current position in the trainee council.But most importantly I think I'm somehow gradually able to like myself a bit more and accept my imperfection during this traineeship thanks to all the people around me.
Anyway it's just a beginning, and I believe I'll be able to open my heart and go back home with a reborn myself.
Let's wait and see.